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Hitler Kidnaps the Goebbels Children

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Hitler Kidnaps the Goebbels Children is a parody created by thenewyorkcitay. Uploaded on 22 April 2012, it tells the tale of a paedophilic Hitler who kidnaps Goebbels's children, and after a city-wide search and several slip-ups on Hitler's part, he was found out and dealt with.

Having disappeared off YouTube for several years, the parody was found again on thenewyorkcitay's channel around 2015 (all deduced from comment activity).

Plot

Introduction

Hitler drives around Berlin in his van. He had speakers installed on the vehicle, telling all kids to hop into his van, which he says is full of "Ice Cold Popsticles." He also told them to bring their younger brothers and sisters. Peter Kranz is seen running towards the van.

Later, Hitler went to the surface and meet some Hitler Youths. He said that this is one of the reasons he likes being the Führer. Artur Axmann introduces him to Peter, who Axmann claims Hitler had kept on requesting. Hitler tells the Youths to spread the word that Hitler's meeting all young people, and that it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet the Führer not to be missed.

Development

Back in the Führerbunker, Hitler sits on his bed talking to himself. He says he cannot help himself that whenever he looks at younglings he feels a pleasurable tingling sensation. He added to himself that no one must know of this. He doesn't realize Mohnke has been standing in the doorway listening, and was terrified when Mohnke leaves.

Now sitting on a chair in the lounge, Hitler hopes that Mohnke would never mention any of what he has heard. Eva, Traudl and Gerda walked into the lounge. Seeing Hitler's worried face, Eva asks him what's wrong - he looked as if someone's read his diary or found out a secret of his. Hitler says he just wanted something to distract me from his worries, to which Eva tells him that the Goebbels children are moving into the bunker. Hitler is visibly pleased.

The children is singing a song to Hitler, conducted by Goebbels. As Hitler sit and listen, he thinks of how Heidrun's (the youngest, who sits on his lap) hair smells delightful. He thinks their singing is bloody crappy, but he enjoys their company. Hitler's favourite of the children is the one in front of him (Hilde). After the performance, Hitler went to their room. The children seems very happy of Uncle Hitler's visit. Hitler offers them a sight-seeing tour, and tells them to get into his van .

Conflict

Realizing her children is missing, Magda looks around the bunker. She slumps onto the wall in despair after failing to find them. Goebbels tries to console her, but she immediately gets up and meets Hitler, begging him to give her kids back as their dinner's getting cold. Hitler claims that Magda is accusing him, the oldest man in the bunker, when her kids go missing. Magda falls to the floor wailing.

Other members of the bunker notice that Hitler is acting all shifty. Hearing this, he goes to notify everyone "a devastating and tragic news" that the Goebbels children are missing and everyone must be told to search for them. Eva vows to do everything she can and catch the culprit.

She makes a phone call to his stepbrother Hermann Fegelein. Knowing of the news, Fegelein immediately tells Eva that the kidnapping is not one of his antics. He thinks Hitler has them, adding that Hitler's fondness of children is a historical fact. Eva doesn't believe Fegelein and tells him to look for the children. Fegelein tells Eva to look under Dolfy's bed, and hangs up.

In their search for the children, Mohnke phones Schenck, asking to help look for the missing children. He feels that the Füher's responsible, telling Schenck that he heard him saying something disturbing. Meanwhile, Günsche phones Kempka. Kempka suggests that Hitler be interrogated in order to find out where they are. Günsche replied that Hitler would never kidnap the children, and asked for Kempka's help to search for the children, which the latter agrees to. Krebs resorts to go and meet Chuikov. He says Chuikov might have spied on the children. He hands Chuikov a photo, and Chuikov claims to have never seen then in his life and asks Krebs to leave, to which Krebs refuses. Chuikov claims that Krebs is accusing him of kidnapping Skeletor's inbreds. Krebs mentions about a reward money for finding the children. Chuikov changes his mind and agrees to cooperate, depending on how much the reward is and whether it's decrease if he accidentally kills them.

Acting on his instinct, Mohnke goes to meet Goebbels. Goebbels is on the phone, detailing about his children appearance that is artificially Aryan. Mohnke tells Goebbels that he has reason to believe Hitler has kidnapped the children. He tells him that he has audio record to prove it, but Goebbels quickly denies the possibility of Hitler's involvement.

During a meeting with Hitler on the search effort, Mohnke enters the conference room. Hitler greets him and "expresses" his disgust on whoever is kidnapping such innocent little children, adding that the culprit must be sick in the head and obviously not someone who runs the country. Mohnke says that Hitler might want to announce something to the generals. Hitler warns him to shut his mouth.

Climax

Mohnke goes ahead and spills the beans. He says that the Fuhrer sat on his bad the other day and stated that he gets "tingling sensations" whenever there's kids around. He concludes that it's fucked up, and Hitler is an old pervert. Hitler denies it all, and claims that he did not say such a thing. Mohnke takes out a record of Hitler's monologues and plays it in front of everyone. On the tape is Hitler saying that he feels so good whenever there's children around, and have the urge to snatch them. Whenever he's near them, he has the best feeling in the world. Everyone in the bunker listens in sheer horror. Hitler denies having said any of the things in the tape. Mohnke goes to play a part of the tape where Hitler imagining himself with the kids.

Goebbels, having listened to the recording, urges Mohnke to turn the recording off. He couldn't believe the absurdity that a pervert is allowed to wander around the bunker exposed to his children.

Resolution

The Goebbels children is finally rescued, and Hitler is shot and burned to crisps.

Setting

Führerbunker
The main setting of the parody. Whenever Hitler's not luring kids into his van around Berlin he would sit on his bed imagining himself with children. One day Mohnke overhears his monologue, and shortly after the Goebbels children who just moved in is missing. Everyone in the bunker looks for the missing children, until Mohnke who has been taping Hitler's monolugues reveal the culprit.
Berlin
Hitler drives around Berlin, luring children into his van offering them "Ice Cold Popsticles"

Characters

Adolf Hitler
He has a fondness of little children. Whenever Hitler's not luring kids into his van around Berlin he would sit on his bed imagining himself with children. Mohnke overhears him one day and taped him. He kidnaps the Goebbels children soon after they had settled into the bunker. He creates a distraction, telling everyone to look for the children. In the end, Mohnke reveals him as the culprit. He is shot and burned at the end.
Wilhelm Mohnke
One of Hitler's generals. He happen to overhear Hitler's monologue of self-confessions of pedophilia and is quick to tape the whole thing. As Hitler's mobilizing everyone to look for the missing Goebbels children, Mohnke suspects that Hitler is the real culprit. He goes to inform his incident with Hitler earlier to Goebbels, but the latter refutes the idea completely. Mohnke is left with no other choice but to reveal the recording he has made.
Joseph Goebbels
Father of the missing children. He does not believe that Hitler would be the culprit the first time Mohnke tells him. After he has heard Mohnke's recording, he was shocked that a pervert is allowed to wander around the bunker exposed to his children.
Magda Goebbels
Mother of the missing children. She quickly suspected Hitler shortly after her children's disappearance. She turns out to be true.
The Goebbels children
Drops by the Fuhrerbunker to stay for a while. Hitler becomes very fond of them, and soon kidnaps them. They are finally rescued after Hitler gets exposed.
Peter Kranz
A Youth member. Hitler's former favourite, having requested Axmann many times for him.
Eva Braun
Hitler's girlfriend. She did not suspect Hitler at all. In her call, Fegelein suggested that Eva look under Hitler's bed for the kids.
Hermann Fegelein
Eva's stepbrother. He quickly denies any involvement with the kidnappings. When he was told by Eva to help look for the children, he suggested that Eva look under Hitler's bed.
Ernst-Gunther Schenck
Mohnke calls him to help with the search. Mohnke shares his doubts to him that Hitler is the culprit.
Otto Günsche
Hitler's adjutant. He did not suspect Hitler, unlike Erich Kempka that he phones for help.
Erich Kempka
An SS member and Hitler's chauffeur. He suspects that Hitler is the culprit, suggesting that he be interrogated.
Hans Krebs
One of Hitler's generals. He doesn't really care for the children, but helped with the search effort anyway when he goes to Vasily Chuikov to ask for help.
Vasily Chuikov
A Soviet general. He is asked by Krebs to look for the missing children. Krebs claimed that he might have spied on the kids. Chuikov in the end agrees to help, purely for the reward money.

Interactions

People who suspected Hitler:

  • Mohnke
  • Kempka
  • Fegelein
  • Magda Goebbels

People who doesn't suspect Hitler:

  • Joseph Goebbels
  • Günsche
  • Eva

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